During a lesson recently, I shared some movement sequences with a client. “How often should I do them?” she asked. After a session, another client asked, “How often do you think I should come?” Another student approached me and asked, “Do you think I should do some weight training?” I wondered what it is that makes us want to give up our own agency? What is it in the human brain that wants to be told what to do? By bowing to someone else’s power, what do we gain?
Perhaps it’s a remnant of herd mentality, the survival of the pack based on the leadership skills of the alpha members. Only thing is, we are no longer at the mercy of a pack of mastodons. We no longer have to hunt for prey, or huddle in caves.
Or is it a diminished sense of one’s own power? We would go to the medicine man to banish the evil spirits. We listen to the surgeon who has done 10,000 hip replacements. We don’t know enough so we surrender to a higher power.
I have friends who are constantly saying, “I should go on a diet.” “I should stop seeing him, he’s toxic.” “I should quit this job, it’s killing me.” Moshe Feldenkrais said “should” means “don’t want to.”
Years ago, when I was still performing, I was doing table to table improv at an event. At one of the tables, a woman was wearing a spectacular diamond necklace. It was so stunning that I blurted a compliment. “You want a necklace like this? You should marry a dentist,” she replied. The sorrow and bitterness in her eyes haunts me to this day.
A recently departed dear friend once sighed after dealing with a series of family responsibilities. “I should really finish this book I’m writing. I should put that house on the market before it’s too late. I should probably make that doctor’s appointment.” I pointed out that he was loading himself down. He laughed and said, “Yeah, I’m shoulding all over myself!” Now that he’s gone, are any of those “shoulds” really important?
How can I differentiate between choice and compulsion? When am I doing something because I want it instead of simply obeying an outer force? When am I absconding responsibility for my own actions because I feel I should be obeying another authority (the king, Dr. Oz, NY Times, a guru, a TV commercial)?
I’m sitting on a deck overlooking the Caribbean. It’s overcast and the waves are choppy. Should I go swimming anyway? Or maybe this is a perfect time to just do a movement lesson. Would you like to join me and imagine yourself on the beach? Only if you want to, not because you should!
I am working on something like this at the moment and read a piece about self love. Now I am practicing asking myself is this increasing my self love and doing that means I don’t use should. The self love idea is more than that and I am exploring what else it can help with. I need to refine the idea as well
I am constantly “refining.” It’s part of the process!
As I moved into my day after this lesson I received news that my teacher is retiring.
So much easier to move into this new awareness from the relaxed body.
Thanks.
Very lovely lesson Lavinia. Thank you. I was feeling really ill this morning and your posting came up and the lesson. Very calming. Back to bed for me. Thank you.
I’m such a fan of your blog. Thank you.
I’d love to learn more about this quotation from Feldenkrais. It’s not one I’ve ever heard before and I’ve been thinking about it ever since I read your email this morning. Do we know what the context was for this should-ing?
(Of course, it’s also very possible that I’ve read it before and it just didn’t sink in.)
Thanks again for your writings.
Feldenkrais didn’t use the word should. He said “Ought to”. it was in The Potent Self – the chapter on Human Capacity: “we feel the sensation of “ought to want” instead of “want.” In such cases, we do not enact anything because “ought to” already contains the element of “I do not want to”; the sensations “ought to” or “ought not to” are inhibitory in character”
Oh perfect. Thank you so much. Ought really is the same isn’t it? But we don’t use it as much or maybe we don’t should ourselves with ought in the same way?
I really appreciate having this idea pulled forth like this. Thank you.
I think a lot of about Ellen Burstyn’s Should-less Days, where she has a day (once a week?) where she does whatever she wants, no shoulds. Could be an Ought-less Day, as well.
Excellent post! I enjoy the longer, deeper format. The way I see it the roots of your formidable question/observation in this post are to be found in compulsory schooling, not the human brain. However, uprooting compulsory schooling would mean uprooting all bureaucracies and institutions, the very soil of modern society that replaced families and communities. Therefore- we will probably keep hearing, “How many times should I…” 🙂
This post has garnered so much questioning and controversy – such fun to continue to inquire. The question about schooling is interesting. How to raise a child to be a responsible adult? Gurdjieff said you only have to love the child and make sure they know you love each other. What does that really mean? I feel another essay forming 🙂
I love this lesson and am surprised that in all my many years, I’ve never explored moving up & down my spine in the ways I did in this wonderful lesson! I loved it and will repeat it many times I’m sure. Thanks Lavinia 💟